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Tuesday, 01 October 2019 15:20

“No one controls you and you control no one”

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“No one controls you and you control no one”. This is the secret for living a happy and stressless life. Yet so many people struggle with this.

Nowadays, the world is power driven. People want to have power over other people and this power takes the form of different types of control; control in family relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, control in working and social environments and ultimately control in bigger scales like religious driven control or control exercised by a state or other various governmental systems.

But what makes power so desiring and people are so addicted to it?


I believe that the answer to this lies to our existential “mattering” itself. People always wanted and continue to want to know and to feel that they MATTER. Having power makes mattering seem somehow easier achievable. The bigger the desire to matter, the bigger the urge for control.

And again this desire has its roots in the early childhood, where a kid is either loved, taken care of and acknowledged for being itself or ignored, misunderstood, taken for granted and not really listened and seen for who they truly are. When a kid grows up in an environment, where the caretakers are mostly concerned with what is going on in their own life (externally or internally) and their reactions to their kid's behaviors are not consistent, but rather chaotic depending on their occasional mood, then this kid develops a very weak sense of self. These parents have failed to mirror back to the kid its special and unique worth, but rather objectified the kid and used it unintentionally as a mean to cover their own needs. This in turn, results in the kid feeling a deep sense of powerlessness and unsafety. It feels that it is not worthy of being loved and that there is something wrong with itself and then a void of desperation and deep disappointment is created like a vortex in the core center of this child. A void that takes it on a long quest of finding the love and approval it so much starves for. The more a child has been treated like an "object" or was exposed to any type of physical, verbal or psychological abuse, then the bigger the inner void and the desire to matter.

Now, depending on a kid's own nature and the different triggers that this kid had in their family, he/she develops various survival mechanisms with the one and only goal to attract the love and attention they didn't have as kids. These kids often turn out to become very competitive adults that have as an ultimate goal to be better (smarter, prettier, more capable, etc) than others and again prove how important they are, while inside low self-esteem runs high. Controlling people and situations to ensure that their needs (physical and emotional) will be met is a fundamental characteristic of their mindset.

The inner void of these kids can be often seen later on in their adult lives as an excessive striving to be special, different, perfect or as a striving to make lots of money, to be famous, to be the center of attention and to have as many media followers as possible.

And someone might wonder: what is wrong with becoming rich or famous? There is nothing wrong with it when it comes from a place of inner completion and creation; a place of joy to share one’s own contribution with the world. People who create from this grounded inner space become beacons of light and inspiration for others. You can sense the joy and the fulfillment that these people radiate, because they first do what they do for themselves and then this has an unavoidable ripple effect on others. When you encounter these people, you can feel how happy they are to effortlessly share their gift with you. On the other hand, when it comes to people who do whatever they do driver mainly by their ego, you will feel rather drained after a while like they are taking something from you; taking your energy, your attention, your time, your approval, your admiration, etc.

Now, the aim of this blog post is not to dishearten you, especially, when taking into account that the majority of us did not have ideal upbringings. No matter how much a parent tries to be perfect for their kid, there is always plenty of room for messing up! And this goes especially for the older generations of parents that their awareness was mainly focused on survival and fitting into what society dictated as the right thing to do, rather than trusting their own instinct and intuition when it came to raising their kids.

The goal of this blog post is to invite you on a journey of rediscovering your self-worth! First, start by becoming aware of any control patterns you might have in your life. When do you feel compelled to control and when do you allow others to control you? How do you feel when you control and how do you feel when you are being controlled? What types of relationships do you tend to form? Codependency relationships or relationships based on mutual respect of the individual's freedom of choice?

Then, turn your focus on what makes you feel worthy. What do you effortlessly enjoy doing? Do you like to create for your own pleasure or for others first? Is it important for you to receive the approval of others when doing something?

Your contribution to others is the contribution YOU first are to yourself. So what is your contribution to you?

If you are struggling with finding the answer to this question and if you notice that not knowing how worthy and valuable you truly are has a serious effect on your self-confidence and the way you show up in your life, then do not despair. I have some good news for you! It's never too late to start exploring WHO YOU TRULY ARE. This will be actually the most exciting journey you'll ever take. And the closer you'll come to the real YOU, the less affected and controlled you'll feel by people and circumstances and the less interested you'll be in controlling others from your side. Finding your self-worth will start filling up the "enough is never enough" void inside. Finding your self-worth will transform your life into a happy and fulfilling adventure.

With this blog post, I also encourage you to become more aware of your media and who you allow to affect your feelings and your sense of self-worth on a daily basis. Have a look at your media (Instagram or Facebook accounts) and observe what feelings you get while you go through them. From which accounts do you feel like you are receiving and from which accounts you feel like you are "giving"? Which are the accounts that are feeding someone's ego while they make you doubt and judge yourself? Start discerning who you allow to affect your psychology every day. Allow people in your life who can inspire you be the best version of you. Choose to surround yourself with loving energy and close the door to any accounts that make you feel bad about yourself. Start from there! You don't need to feel powerless with everything that the media nowadays serves you. Instead of becoming involved in a never ending game of controlling others and being controlled by others, choose to claim back your power by taking back the only control you truly have; your CHOICE and start by choosing what feels best to YOU!

I hope you found this post informative and helpful! I'd actually love to hear what it may have brought up for you. If you do have a comment or a question, please send them in the This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and I'll get back to you.

In the meantime, take lots of good care of yourself.

Warmly,

Nina

Read 677 times Last modified on Friday, 08 November 2019 14:24
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